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Peeing is so passé.

“Forget Everything Your Mother Once Told You….To Pee is Human, To ‘Hold It’, Divine”

PART ONE~~

There are few authors than can truly boast a talent for challenging their readers to explore the depths of their sexual souls.  And, on a less poetic note, there are even fewer authors who have the capacity to convince a woman that peeing is passé.

Unfortunately, there are readers out there that, to say they are “committed to Christian Grey”, would be putting it mildly.  Take my friend Fran, for example, (you may remember her….Hustler store tutorial, death by orgasm–she’s been quite active over the last month) is as big a “Christianite” as you’ll ever meet.  Does she care that her country club had to amend its friggin by-laws because of her aching groin? Hell no! Hence having pleasured herself in the baby pool at the expense of a few toddlers’ concussions was, to her, a small price to pay.

You will understand then that when I tell you that when Fran decided she would fill her bladder to three times its capacity to experience another “Christian-type O”, she meant business.  Fran was on a mission.  A mission, mind you, that almost got her arrested and nearly rushed to the hospital with a distended stomach, a UTI, and a bladder as big as her home state of Texas.  None-the-less, Fran HAD to have the big one.  And, as you will see, her husband, (bless his soul, he’s tried to be patient with her, hoping this whole craze of hers is some kinky side effect of perimenopause that he’s unfamiliar with), is trying his best to keep up.

This man is an athlete and all, but Fran’s fervor over “Fifty Shades” has put this poor man’s agility, balance, endurance and strength to the test. This guy started out a stealth 175 lbs when his wife began reading the famed trilogy, but with each passing book (he’s the one who actually passed out in the whip section of the Hustler store), he’s taken off at least 10 lbs a book. Damn if Fran hasn’t read like a viscous tiger to get through the trilogy and this poor guy is down below 150 lbs now, a literal shadow of himself. Has Fran noticed you wonder? Not on your life….

Having decided to blow her bladder up to three times it’s capacity (Fran never does anything halfway), she texted her poor hubby to get the handcuffs and blindfold ready, they were spending the night on their boat that night. Granted, it’s a 25-year old run-about on a local bass fishing lake, hardly Christian’s yacht on the French Riviera, but Fran had to reinact the scene and the way she can fantasize, it matters not.

As she shares all this with me on the phone, I’m just praying her husband is able to get her hair into the famous “Ana braid” and produce all those hickeys Fran is so ravenous for all over her neck and chest. Poor guy, I fear for him, when Fran gets into one of those cave man-like reading modes, she’ll often get such a wild look in her eye, panting, grunting and drooling that her hubby can get a little scared. Not to mention the pressure he feels to produce one of those virtual 12 inch, rock-hard protrusions that Christian dons regularly and that Fran sweats over daily.

Laters all you twitchy palm moms, gotta go, but stay tuned, more to follow on Fran’s full bladder….

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey

 

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