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Fifty shades of Grey – 12 step program


1. You’ve decided you’d rather clutch your shiny Apple computer when falling asleep than your husband.

2. You refuse to drive or ride in any vehicle but an Audi.

3. You’ve forced your husband to wear grey contact lenses.

4. You’ve gone 24 days with the same tampon in because no one will agree to remove it.

5. You’ve divorced your husband because he refuses to be your Dom.

6. You despise peeing.

7. You’ve converted your nursery into YOUR “playroom”; the baby is in the basement.

8. You’ve painted every room in your house red.

9. You’ve cross-referenced the music from the book with page numbers and you’ve deleted all other music from your ipod.

10. You’re replaced daily exercise, meditation and prayer with daily spankings.

11. You’re able to quote FSOG more accurately than you are the Bible.

12. The Hustler store knows you by first name.

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Posted by on June 9, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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Do you have Anastasia-Envy?

The modern woman in each of us would likely assert that our gravitation to “Fifty Shades” has nothing to do with any kind of buried envy of the protagonist. She is young, naive, and many would argue, distastefully codependent.  After all, who even contemplates signing a sex contract, having your food, your clothes, your alcohol, your sleep, your car, your dating schedule, heck even your masterbation schedule dictated? This is something Michelle, Hillary or for crying out loud, even Barbara Bush wouldn’t advocate.  The women’s movement of the 70’s fought for our rights to express, contradict, go braless and play with ourselves as we wish. Somehow I’m not thinking Gloria Steinem would have desired  Christian’s twitchy palms…..or would she??
Many of us assume roles in the bedroom outside our public personas, granted most don’t involve giving up their God-given, civil liberties, but never the less, it’s not uncommon.  But this book invites us to ask the question, “how far would you go?”
Despite our modernness, many are not only finding that question intoxicating but life altering. Unfortunately, for a certain sect of women (all my friends, I might add) their needs have become much greater than society and more importantly, their husbands, can endure. Perhaps Christian’s insistence on nutrition and personal trainers isn’t so far off after all, but who would have thought these middle aged, mini-van driving zealots would have tapped into this level of physical exertion. It’s nothing short of “Anathasia Envy” run amuck.
Granted these very  women have been in the most viscous cycle of potty training, playdate, homework hell you can imagine for the last 10 years, but their
“Envy” is over the top. They’ve lost all perspective. While their  poor husbands donned a heaven-like smile when their wives started the book, those very same men, trying their best to love, cherish and obey, have been “Fifty Shades of f****ed” to the point they are having to seek psychological therapy and physical safety.
One husband I know, peers around the bedroom door before entering to see if his wife is reading. He envisions the good ole days when the bedroom was for sleeping. His groin, so overused it’s chapped and peeling, is begging for a break.
Another poor fellow was forced to endure hour and a half personalized tutoring sessions at the Hustler Store, at the end of which his wife had maxed out her credit card and was panting and  foaming at the mouth to get him home only to find her Christian had passed out in the whip section. Despite his less than firm state, after having received her B12 shot that day, she drove his listless body home at 90 miles an hour, planning their next tryst. This poor fellow–she forced him to tie her hands to the bedpost recollecting with envy the “slam” that Anstasia received and praying hers would be as brutal (threatening to whip him with her new Williams-Sonoma sauté pan for failure to comply) and then waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. Overwhelmed by the pressure and out of refills of Viagra, he gave up, hopelessly crumbling onto the floor, knocked out cold by the thought of more Christian.
I’d say this constitutes envy all right. If we don’t find a way to tone these women down soon, these husbands are going to be mere shells of their prior selves. These fanatics have answered the question, “how far would you go?” and then some. Perhaps EL James is helping us to redefine the modern woman. With Christian in our lives, we definitely will not need hormone replacement therapy. We may not be as sexually independent as Steinem had hoped,  but clearly many a reader has proved herself more than happy to trade her feminist side for some twitchy palms any day of the week….
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Posted by on May 28, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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Poorly Written and Plotless?” Fifty Shades is anything but…..

For those of you who have read reviews of your latest obsession, you are probably aware they are not glowing. “Poorly written” and “plotless” are two common criticisms. I beg to differ.
I mean come on here, let’s be honest. Not one of us cracked the cover with the expectation of finding Shakespearean literature within. But let’s be realistic on another point too. Who needs to even ask herself  “Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo”?  Once you’ve read James’s delicious description of the way Christian’s pants hang off his come hither hips, not to mention the hypnotic and sculptural quality she gives his….., you’re about as concerned with Romeo’s whereabouts as you are your 5th-grade math teacher’s.
I mean anyone who can make giving a BJ sound like visiting a confectionary shop has my respect. Heck, I’m halfway expecting to walk into my local juicery and find the “CG Special”, a creamy-colored, frothy treat, sold out no less.

And hence, back to my original point, poorly  written and plotless? This woman has captivated us. I don’t know one reader who hasn’t put their life on hold, delaying household chores, errands, friends, and yes, even their children’s needs as they lap up this book.  Dinners, homework, sports events, teacher conferences–all of it has been scheduled around the when, the where and the how of Anathasia’s latest orgasm. Wives everywhere are feeling the electric shocks of “the Christian Effect”, calling their husbands home from the office to hump like bunnies. Many of us may soon be growing long ears and a tail… And for those without easy access to their hubbies, I would venture to guess there has been quite a bit of self pleasure had. A word of advice, I would not approach a mother parked alone in a school parking lot without giving her due warning…wouldn’t want to ruin the moment.

It may not be long before we see the emergence of a “Fifty Shades” 12-step program….”yes, I am a “Fifty Shades addict”, “yes, my life has become unmanageable”, and “yes, I’m looking to my higher power to release me from the shackles (in this case, literally) of Christian Grey’s grip”. The pull of this book IS drug-like. Perhaps these critics need to hope the “CG Special” comes to their local juicery, after all, you aren’t really qualified to review a book without partaking in its “full flavor”….
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Posted by on May 25, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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