For some women, as I so incredulously witnessed on Memorial Day embracing their inner-Ana’s has enabled them to break through every level of social boundary. Not surprisingly, my country club has had to amend their 150-year old by-laws to discourage future orgasms in the pool area. They also passed a unanimous decision made at an emergency board of directors meeting, to reduce the level of pressure on the water jets in the baby pool. This issue was debated at length as the chairman was concerned the levels could get dangerously low. However, when the pool manager pointed out that it took only one middle-aged reader, propelled by her pulsating vaginal need to prostrate herself to the baby pool jet, to cause a total orgasmic uproar on an important family holiday, the chairman acquiesced that perhaps the club had no choice but to acknowledge the titillating power of this book and amend their policies accordingly. As the manager pointed out, while this certainly wasn’t a healthy influence on the babies present, the real problems ensued when all the other salivating women on the premise became lip-bitingly jealous of this woman’s depth of pleasure. All motherly instincts were abandoned as they started flinging babies right and left to clear a path to that jet. Floaties were burst and rubber duckies smashed. There were cuts, bruises, even a concussion caused by these Christian-hungry vaginas. Babies were screaming, pacifiers were flying and the life guards were madly blowing their whistles, but to no avail.
Amended country club by-laws:
1. The club recognizes that banning “Fifty Shades of Grey” from the property entirely would result in obliterating half the membership, hence in order to protect the club’s financial interest, the club will not ban the book.
2. In dire effort, however, to regain the family-friendly pre-Memorial Day flavor of the club, it will be required from this point forward that all books entering the pool area must be covered, preferably with a pink and green cover, but at a minimum, something equally tasteful; ereaders are preferred.
3. In full disclosure of the power of this book, the club recognizes that if allowed on the premise, orgasms are inevitable. Hence, each female member above the age of 18 is allowed one orgasm per day but ONLY if she capable of staying in her seat, rear end firmly rooted to her chair, feet on the ground. No moaning, howling or grunting allowed. Clenching chair arms is permitted.
4. For over one orgasm a day, you will be asked to leave the pool area for the day.
5. For over two orgasms a day, you will not be allowed back in the pool area for the season (we had to draw the line somewhere).
6. No male life guards or babies may be harmed or traumatized in any way.
The Board of Directors