Fran’s Trouble’s

From: Fran, aka “Christian Grey’s next sub”
Subject: Unmanageable?  Me?
Date: July 1, 2012  06:04
To: Bitsy
Twenty one days in my Fifty Shades 12-Step Program and counting . . . . . .

For some reason Stanly decided my behavior has become “unmanageable”??  Well to be honest, he called me “psychotic”!  A bit much, don’t you think???  ALL I WANTED WAS AN “ANA STEELE ORGASM” WITH A FULL BLADDER!  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR GOD’S SAKE???

Anyway, he might as well have sentenced me to death—–this place is absolute HELL!  There are signs all over the entrance, “NO TRILOGY ALLOWED”, “NO TRILOGY ALLOWED”, NO TRILOGY ALLOWED”!  (I tried stuffing my Kindle down the back of my thong as Stanley checked me in, but even that didn’t work….)

No piercing grey eyes….. no perfectly hung pants… thick copper-tinted hair……no nothing.  I’m kinda wishing he’d sent me to jail instead—at least I’d had a better chance of finding a twitchy palm or two.

Be a friend Bitsy, I’m on Book Two, Chapter Ten.  Would you pleeeeease bring me Chapter Eleven when you visit?  PRETTY PLEASE….?  Anything you need to do….put a Bible cover on it, fold it up and stuff it in your bra…..anything!

Love Your Fifty-starved friend,


P.S.  This is serious, Bitsy!  I feel like my vagina’s drying up!!

From: Bitsy
Subject: Vaginal Dryness
Date: July 1, 2012 06:10
To: Fran

Dear Fran,

I’m sympathetic to your need, I really am….Book Two, Chapter Ten…..that’s a terrible spot to be in!  Such erotic bliss stolen right from your hands…..that’s inhumane…..akin to slave-trafficking if you asked me!  But I don’t know Fran….sneak Chapter Eleven to you???  Don’t you think I’ll get caught??  I hear this Program you’re in is VERY HARD CORE!  Rumor has it, they do both anal and vaginal probes to any and all female visitors entering the facility…..I’ll do my best…..

Love from one SUB-wanna be to another,


P.S. I’ll give some thought to your “dry vagina”, that IS serious…..

From: Stanley
Subject: No, we are not building a “Red Room of Pain” addition onto our house!!!
Date: July 1, 2012 06:30
To: Fran

Dear Fran,

In case you’re wondering (hopefully you are), the kids as well as your dog and mother are all fine.  FYI, I’ve just informed the “higher ups” in your facility that you’ll be staying an extra 60 days from what we’d discussed.  I was hoping to have you home in another 10 days, but when I arrived home from work today and couldn’t see the front door of our home because of your recent shipment of “toys” from UPS, I decided additional time might be necessary…..

Love your worn out, deflated, and forlorn husband,


From: Fran, aka “Christian Grey’s next sub”
Subject: One tiny favor….
Date:  July 1, 2012 06:31
To: Stanley

Dear Stanley,

Could you be a dear for me and check to see if any of those packages at the front door have the “Extra Large Set of Ben wa Balls” I special ordered?

Love your vaginally-dry wife (its like a desert here),



Posted by on July 1, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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Fifty shades of Grey – 12 step program


1. You’ve decided you’d rather clutch your shiny Apple computer when falling asleep than your husband.

2. You refuse to drive or ride in any vehicle but an Audi.

3. You’ve forced your husband to wear grey contact lenses.

4. You’ve gone 24 days with the same tampon in because no one will agree to remove it.

5. You’ve divorced your husband because he refuses to be your Dom.

6. You despise peeing.

7. You’ve converted your nursery into YOUR “playroom”; the baby is in the basement.

8. You’ve painted every room in your house red.

9. You’ve cross-referenced the music from the book with page numbers and you’ve deleted all other music from your ipod.

10. You’re replaced daily exercise, meditation and prayer with daily spankings.

11. You’re able to quote FSOG more accurately than you are the Bible.

12. The Hustler store knows you by first name.

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Posted by on June 9, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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Absolute bladder-busting, sexual delirium.

That would best describe both Fran’s mental and vaginal states as she loped, somewhat kangaroo-like, into her home, muttering “gotta have it, gotta have it”. Fran’s bladder and her vagina had become one, a not so romantic union that most of us guard against with every fiber in our soul. Fran was experiencing a unique brand of genital hysteria that not even the most experienced of gynocologists would recognize. Ana Grey may have found this bladder sex erotic, but Fran’s version didn’t seem to be quite as arousing. Her competitive side had take over, however, and by God, if Ana could do it, so could Fran!

And there sat her poor hubby, Stanley, quivering with a lump in his throat at what he feared could turn into a sexual, sadistic meltdown. A penal fear like he’d never known. Since his wife had found Christian Grey, their whole world had changed. Fun-lovin Fran had turned into f**kin-lovin Fran with a man-eating horniness he’d never before witnessed. There had been a time when Stanley could have “risen” to the occasion, not any type of Red Room explosion mind you, more of the ole faithful, slow and steady type, but never the less, Stan used to fan Fran’s flame. But those days were over.  Fran had butchered his proverbial meat. As he stared down at his “flat stanley” and his shriveled up peanut of a penis whispered “run Stanley, run”! If the whips has caused him to pass out, what was her bulging bladder going to do to him. The thought of trying to mount this woman at this point was not only nauseating but mind altering. Even if she got her Ana-grade “O”, a little pressure at the wrong angle could potentially generate a flood not seen since Biblical times.

Unfortunately for them, Fran’s sweet children spotted her at this point and having lost all reason, as she watched them racing towards her for some affection, all she could see was Christian Grey escaping from her. On instinct, she flung open the closest bathroom door and shoved her friend Bitsy and her two kids inside.  Running like lightening towards Stanley, she grabbed him by the neck and padlocked their bathroom. Fran looked pantingly at him and wasnt sure which was more arousing, Stanley or the commode. Stanley stood frozen, mortified at his tigress of a wife. Realizing he was of no use, Fran quickly threw her hair into a braid and resourcefully handcuffed her own hands and legs together, grabbed her Kindle, and commanded Stanley to read. She WAS going to reenact this, to HELL with everyone!

Stuttering and quivering, Stanley began…”You’re going to have to absorb all the pleasure….don’t move.” Fran moaned. Stanley cleared his throating, shifting uncomfortably, “You drive me crazy…so I am going to drive you crazy….biting, sucking…tasting, exploring, dominating.”  As Stanley read, Fran’s desired mounted and mounted….and MOUNTED! “Do you want me?….. Then you’ll have me….”  This wasn’t exactly the way Fran wanted it, but it would have to do. “Still baby, I want you,” Stanley read, “You’ll feel more this way…..” And just as Fran was about to “detonate”, her son came banging on the bathroom door, “mommy, mommy, why did you lock me in the bathroom, and did you buy me a “popsicle” today like you promised??”

“Popcicle”, said Fran? “That’s the ‘safe’ word!” “Who said the ‘safe’ word??” “I can’t hear the ‘safe’ word right now, that ruins everything!!”  Watching Fran and the look of rage on her face, Stanley decides he’s the one not feeling safe. He lugs blindfolded, handcuffed Fran off the floor, her braid swinging back and forth, plops her on the commode, and under a veil of Grey shame, escapes!

As Fran finally remedied her distended bladder, chanting some Hindu-like mantra, Stanley furiously scanned the yellow pages. His wife couldn’t be the only compulsive, addicted, horny, Chrstianite nutcase to turn her life over to BDSM all because of Christian Grey….there had to be a FSOG 12-step program out there.  Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism…..all Franny’s favorite words…..poor Stan was desperate!

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Posted by on June 8, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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A full bladder a la Ben Wa…

Bladder blog – Part Two Though I was hopeful Fran might reconsider deforming her body for the sake of an orgasm, I knew when she called me at 6:20 a.m. to tell me she had just downed three “Christian Grey Red Room of Pain” smoothies and had decided not to pee until midnight, that the day might become slightly problematic.  She seemed to make it through the morning reasonably well ,despite back-to-back meetings with several important clients, but by the time lunch rolled around, her voice HAD become a little urgent.  Of course it didn’t help that Fran had decided to heighten her pleasure by inserting a shiny new pair of Ben wa balls that her dear friend, Bitsy, had been so kind to give her for her birthday—apparently both Fran and Bitsy are good Christian-respecting women, every O, a sacred experience and every new toy, a Christmas morning relived. (As a side note, it is interesting to observe that despite being mission-style devotees throughout their lives, Bitsy even  suffering from frigidity from time to time, both girls, since devouring THE Trilogy, have “opened” themselves to new positions to put it mildly….) Come to find out, despite a lower abdomen that was protruding like a soft ball, Fran had decided to keep her scheduled lunch with some prominent bankers thinking she would be able to disguise the situation.  However, as we all know by now, Fran’s reasoning skills become a little skewed the deeper she falls into her Christian-trances and the bankers unfortunately were more than aware that, at a minimum, her walk was severely affected by the time lunch was over. The sideways lunge that she used when she rose to leave the restaurant caught the eye of many and it didn’t help that she threw out a slight moan with every step.  They had thought it slightly odd that Fran skipped the buffet and just ordered five iced teas for lunch, but by the time the meal was over and she began rolling her hips around in her chair while simultaneously rolling her eyes into the back of her head, they knew something was askew.By the time I saw her in our the school carline, she had taken to hopping up and down in her mini van. Hers was the only one rocking in the whole parking lot so it became quite obvious, quite quickly that we may have an emergency on our hands. The most alarming part came, however, when I noticed Fran had the book itself dangling from her rear-view mirror with clothes pins holding the pages back. If she’s not careful, she’s going to cause an amendment of the town’s driving ordinances…..driving your mini van, while reading Fifty Shades and sporting a full bladder a la Ben wa, no less has to classify as public endangerment. I guess the policeman who pulled Fran over was in agreement. I think he was probably thinking along the lines of OxyContin, but when Fran got out of her mini van bent over with her legs crossed so tightly, her veins were popping, and cupping her groin, the policeman wasn’t really sure what he’d encountered….He couldn’t really ticket her for reading as he couldn’t prove anything, but I guess Fran had purposefully picked a road that was in the process of being resurfaced with the hope this might intensify the Ben wa pleasure, all of which had created quite a scene on the road. I don’t know whether it was the balls, the road, or the full bladder, but I guess the big O finally came because Fran was apparently in such a state of delirium, she didn’t hear the policeman’s siren he was forced to deploy as a result of her ear-piercing climax. She got out of her mini van a little stiff to say the least, drenched in perspiration but smiling big no less. Disarmed by this scene, the poor policeman knew he had no choice but to arrest her as had he let her go and this freak of a mother had reentered the city streets, his license could have easily been revoked. Fortunately for Fran, she had quickly texted Bitsy to tell her about her traffic violation and Bitsy, being the loyal and understanding orgasm-loving mom that she is, jumped in her mini van and sped off to come to her sex-starved friend’s rescue.  Unfortunately for Fran, Bitsy did not arrive on the scene until AFTER the poor policeman had reached for his handcuffs.  When Fran saw those shiny, love-making tools emerge from his pocket, it was like watching a killer doberman spot a porterhouse steak. Fran began salivating, frothing at the mouth.  “CHRISTIAN MY CHRISTIAN,” she began chanting, “TAKE ME NOW”!  Despite Bitsy’s frantic speed, she was unable to stop this lurid scene from unfolding, and by the time her mini van screeched to a stop, Fran was on the ground, begging this poor man to handcuff her right hand to her right foot and her left hand to her left foot.  To top it off, she had a $100 bill clenched in her teeth, hoping to bribe him if wouldn’t willingly comply.  When Bitsy saw this, she was aghast!  She well knew they had both suffered some phyiscal indignities (all self-induced I might add) since starting the book, but getting the law involved?  This was a little edgy, even for them.Bitsy approached the officer warily, and swiftly leaned down to pull her friend out of the cultish appearing yogic pose she had assumed on a public thoroughfare.  As Fran had concluded the officer wasn’t quite understanding the extent of her physical need, she had begun rolling back and forth, grasping each ankle with her legs splayed, hoping he would get a glimpse of the point of insertion.  Bitsy pulled with all her might until Fran wearily gave up. Depsite this man’s beer gut, bald head, and missing teeth, all Fran could see in her deluded state were visions of Christian Grey in the flesh, the thick wavy hair with copper highlights, the piercing grey eyes and pants hanging sensually from the hips. (In reality, however, this poor man’s uniform pants were hiked up an entire foot above his jiggly mammouth belly which tells you just how far gone she was…)  When Bitsy finally resorted to telling the officer about some fabricated, servere mental problems her friend was experiencing, he let them both go, on the promise Bitsy would drive and probably relieved as hell to get this middle-aged, panting, purple-skinned woman away from him.As Bitsy shoved Fran in the car to take her home, poor Fran’s hubby was just arriving home himself.  He knew from her instruction that morning, the night may turn out to be a long one, but I don’t think even he could have predicted his wife’s current state.More to follow…..laters


Posted by on June 5, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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Peeing is so passé.

“Forget Everything Your Mother Once Told You….To Pee is Human, To ‘Hold It’, Divine”


There are few authors than can truly boast a talent for challenging their readers to explore the depths of their sexual souls.  And, on a less poetic note, there are even fewer authors who have the capacity to convince a woman that peeing is passé.

Unfortunately, there are readers out there that, to say they are “committed to Christian Grey”, would be putting it mildly.  Take my friend Fran, for example, (you may remember her….Hustler store tutorial, death by orgasm–she’s been quite active over the last month) is as big a “Christianite” as you’ll ever meet.  Does she care that her country club had to amend its friggin by-laws because of her aching groin? Hell no! Hence having pleasured herself in the baby pool at the expense of a few toddlers’ concussions was, to her, a small price to pay.

You will understand then that when I tell you that when Fran decided she would fill her bladder to three times its capacity to experience another “Christian-type O”, she meant business.  Fran was on a mission.  A mission, mind you, that almost got her arrested and nearly rushed to the hospital with a distended stomach, a UTI, and a bladder as big as her home state of Texas.  None-the-less, Fran HAD to have the big one.  And, as you will see, her husband, (bless his soul, he’s tried to be patient with her, hoping this whole craze of hers is some kinky side effect of perimenopause that he’s unfamiliar with), is trying his best to keep up.

This man is an athlete and all, but Fran’s fervor over “Fifty Shades” has put this poor man’s agility, balance, endurance and strength to the test. This guy started out a stealth 175 lbs when his wife began reading the famed trilogy, but with each passing book (he’s the one who actually passed out in the whip section of the Hustler store), he’s taken off at least 10 lbs a book. Damn if Fran hasn’t read like a viscous tiger to get through the trilogy and this poor guy is down below 150 lbs now, a literal shadow of himself. Has Fran noticed you wonder? Not on your life….

Having decided to blow her bladder up to three times it’s capacity (Fran never does anything halfway), she texted her poor hubby to get the handcuffs and blindfold ready, they were spending the night on their boat that night. Granted, it’s a 25-year old run-about on a local bass fishing lake, hardly Christian’s yacht on the French Riviera, but Fran had to reinact the scene and the way she can fantasize, it matters not.

As she shares all this with me on the phone, I’m just praying her husband is able to get her hair into the famous “Ana braid” and produce all those hickeys Fran is so ravenous for all over her neck and chest. Poor guy, I fear for him, when Fran gets into one of those cave man-like reading modes, she’ll often get such a wild look in her eye, panting, grunting and drooling that her hubby can get a little scared. Not to mention the pressure he feels to produce one of those virtual 12 inch, rock-hard protrusions that Christian dons regularly and that Fran sweats over daily.

Laters all you twitchy palm moms, gotta go, but stay tuned, more to follow on Fran’s full bladder….

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Posted by on June 4, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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Christian’s Red Room of Pain is Soooo Pleasureful!

I knew it was just a matter of time before the essence that is Christian would tap yet another dimension of our lives.  A new smoothie is now available called “Christian Grey’s Red Room of Pain.”. And, like we all imagine Christian, it is mighty tasty! Don’t know if it will deliver the delicious orgasms that Ana enjoys, but at least we’ll have the health and strength this beautiful man values so deeply. (Quick note to the country club set–you might want to take one of these along with you to the pool next time as you read, it may cool you off and keep your Lily suits in tact despite the fires that burn within.)
Why or how this man is so intoxicating, who knows but one thing is for sure, Christian Grey’s juices are now penetrating more than just Ana….

Posted by on June 1, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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Death by Orgasm: The Painful Aftermath…

For some women, as I so incredulously witnessed on Memorial Day embracing their inner-Ana’s has enabled them to break through every level of social boundary. Not surprisingly, my country club has had to amend their 150-year old by-laws to discourage future orgasms in the pool area. They also passed a unanimous decision made at an emergency board of directors meeting, to reduce the level of pressure on the water jets in the baby pool. This issue was debated at length as the chairman was concerned the levels could get dangerously low. However, when the pool manager pointed out that it took only one middle-aged reader, propelled by her pulsating vaginal need to prostrate herself to the baby pool jet, to cause a total orgasmic uproar on an important family holiday, the chairman acquiesced that perhaps the club had no choice but to acknowledge the titillating power of this book and amend their policies accordingly. As the manager pointed out, while this certainly wasn’t a healthy influence on the babies present, the real problems ensued when all the other salivating women on the premise became lip-bitingly jealous of this woman’s depth of pleasure. All motherly instincts were abandoned as they started flinging babies right and left to clear a path to that jet. Floaties were burst and rubber duckies smashed. There were cuts, bruises, even a concussion caused by these Christian-hungry vaginas. Babies were screaming, pacifiers were flying and the life guards were madly blowing their whistles, but to no avail.
Amended country club by-laws:
1. The club recognizes that banning “Fifty Shades of Grey” from the property entirely would result in obliterating half the membership, hence in order to protect the club’s financial interest, the club will not ban the book.
2. In dire effort, however, to regain the family-friendly pre-Memorial Day flavor of the club, it will be required from this point forward that all books entering the pool area must be covered, preferably with a pink and green cover, but at a minimum, something equally tasteful; ereaders are preferred.
3. In full disclosure of the power of this book, the club recognizes that if allowed on the premise, orgasms are inevitable. Hence, each female member above the age of 18 is allowed one orgasm per day but ONLY if she capable of staying in her seat, rear end firmly rooted to her chair, feet on the ground. No moaning, howling or grunting allowed. Clenching chair arms is permitted.
4. For over one orgasm a day, you will be asked to leave the pool area for the day.
5.  For over two orgasms a day, you will not be allowed back in the pool area for the season (we had to draw the line somewhere).
6. No male life guards or babies may be harmed or traumatized in any way.
The Board of Directors
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Posted by on May 31, 2012 in Fifty shades of grey


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